Fairy tales are bizarre. They are full of sexual innuendo, corrupted morals, oversimplified ethical dilemmas, bizarre behavior, intense violence, and general weirdness. I have often thought that much of the weirdness inherent in most fairy tales is fairly well exemplified by a fundamental problem I have long had with the story of Cinderella: how the hell does the prince apparently have no idea what she looks like after dancing with her all night? Is he just a pervy sort who spent all night staring at her chest? Does he have prosopagnosia? Is he actually in love with the shoe and just looking for anyone who fits it? Is there some ancient curse on his family that can only be lifted by marrying a woman with exactly that size foot? Is he a very focused foot fetishist?
And of course the real logical answer is that the “dancing” wasn’t dancing at all, but rather an activity that did not force the prince to view Cinderella’s face. You can use your imagination there; but, especially considering the prince’s possibly already-established foot fetish, there are plenty of directions to go. Dancing is always a metaphor for sexual activity anyway, and the specifics of what’s happening around this dancing suggest something other than just making out. So, is there actually a veiled sexual agenda to Cinderella? Continue reading →
I won’t have time to get my review of Guardians of the Galaxy (James Gunn, USA 2014) up before I go to work today. If you’re trying to decide whether to see it today, my recommendation is yes, but go in knowing that it’s a silly, nostalgic cartoon. As long as you don’t expect any more than that, it’s good.
This actually looks like it might be funny.
I’m relieved, because I was going to have to watch it, for obvious reasons.
It’s still a bizarre premise that seems more like a movie than a show.
I’m afraid that I’m going to convince myself this show is good just because of Karen Gillan.
I’m betting this is bullshit.
After looking it up, yes it is. It’s megadosing vitamins.
Unfortunately, it’s kind of a fun commercial.
Dumb and Dumber To (Bobby Farrelly/Peter Farrelly, USA 2014)
The fact that this exists is reason to die.
The first one was horrendous and not funny. Everything the Farrellys have made since is horrendous and not funny. Guess how this looks? Horrendous and not funny.
The Expendables 3 (Patrick Hughes, USA/France 2014)
While it probably doesn’t deserve the Citizen Kane (Orson Welles, USA 1941) comparisons being thrown around in some quarters (;-)), I will give it credit that it doesn’t even bother to pretend like there is any story or anything–just explosions and a bunch of old action stars.
I do find it funny that I really don’t recognize anybody under 50 in this trailer–there are some younger people, but I have no idea who they are.
When the Game Stands Tall (Thomas Carter, USA 2014)
Jim Caviezel deserves an award for the job he did introducing this “first look at” the film. I have never seen an actor do such a terrible job of feigning enthusiasm in my life.
Football movies are never good. When they start trying to take on social/religious themes (which most of them do), they get even worse. Needless to say, this is a film I plan on missing.
I know it’s not true, but it feels like Laura Dern makes one movie per decade and disappears. Well, except for her regular forays into David Lynch’s maelstrom.
Pretending it wasn’t a trailer was just pretentious.
Interstellar (Christopher Nolan, USA/UK 2014)
This is one of the worst trailers I’ve ever seen. It looks boring, pointless, confused, and visually nothing but blackness.
The thing is, it’s a film directed by Christopher Nolan that stars Jessica Chastain (and that McConaughey guy, but Jessica Chastain is far more important to me), so it doesn’t need a trailer to sell it.
Unless this trailer is so bad because they handed it off to someone cheap thinking that it didn’t matter, someone needs to be fired.
Christopher Nolan needs to stop being so obsessed with Michael Caine. He is one of the ultimate examples that Americans will praise the acting of anyone with a British accent.
Big Hero 6 (Don Hall/Chris Williams, USA 2014)
I don’t understand it at all, but the trailer is actually funny. The balloon guy putting tape on the holes in his arm was funnier than anything in the Dumb and Dumber To trailer, certainly.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this seems really weird even by animated film standards.
The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies (Peter Jackson, New Zealand/USA 2014)
Peter Jackson’s last four Middle Earth films have used up any benefit of the doubt that he once had for me.
This blog’s first ever post was a review of the first The Hobbit–there will be no more Hobbit reviews because Jackson had so clearly failed that there is no reason to watch these other films.
This looks like just a five-hour battle sequence. Unsurprising given the title.
Annie (Will Gluck, USA 2014)
Into the Woods (Rob Marshall, USA 2014)
I knew what this was from the opening “I wish.” I’m not sure if that says more about the trailer, the musical, or me.
A running dialogue of my thoughts as the trailer played: Rob Marshall made a pretty good film once in Memoirs of a Geisha, so maybe this will work. Meryl Streep would work of course. Love Anna Kendrick and James Corden. Shit. Johnny Depp. I’m out.
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb(Shawn Levy, USA/UK 2014)